Until

I have learned.

Perhaps I should say I have realized. The pitfalls of the world have never escaped me, but when you are determined to live by faith then you see them differently. So, perhaps I should acknowledge my naiveté in thinking that those things would not touch me. I do not apologize for that however, because for a long time I have not been touched. Should I simply cower now that I am faced with negative circumstances?

Here and now I struggle with myself. I waffle between who I know I am and what others perceive me to be. I resist the misery of “until” because I have chosen that pathway for too long. Consider:

“Just do this until something better comes…”

they say that again and again

“just UNTIL”

but until never comes so you simply live a lifelong existence of less.

Until is a figment of the imagination

Until is a word designed to give you hope but failing to deliver

Until is a dangling carrot, but I don’t know who is holding the string.

For me, there is just now.

if you select misery now, then you live with misery.

if you select that, then you must own it.

How can you build something good from something awful?

Would you build a house from weak wood? The termites have had their way, yet you would build with what they left behind?

 that house would not stand.

None would say, “just build what you can until you get a better one.”

Until they are asked to help, and then until is good enough for you.

No one cares about your until moment. Most are too busy waiting on their own. Does that mean you should stop believing that something good can happen to you? Can you actually think big? It only takes a few to recognize your potential. If you believe you can be or do something, then you have to move toward that. You lack faith if you don’t. If people tell you that you are not good enough, keep moving. If people tell you that you want too much, keep moving. If no one like you has ever done that type of thing before, keep moving. If others do not believe in you then that is their right, but let them know that they should not be upset if you do not agree.

Live.

Get up. Groom. Go to work. Come home. Repeat. There is some eating and resting involved, but you get the point. That is the life, right?

Eh.

How many of us live this cycle? How many of us LOVE this cycle? I will bet that more people will answer in the affirmative for the first question than for the second. So how do we create a better cycle, or get to the part when we love what we are doing in life?

Do something different.

This is my offering of an answer, and I admit that it is incomplete. I am on that journey to live and not only exist and so I am still figuring out how to get there. Doing something different is what I have NOT done, and that is why I think I stay in the same position.

Now, I know that it takes courage to do something different. We like the “devil” we know, better than the “devil” we don’t because we know how to deal with that known entity. We love the safety of it all. What happens when safe becomes stagnant, and then stagnant begins to feel like death? Maybe that is taking things a bit far, but things in life can become so routine that there is no life in it anymore.

I also recommend something else: do not think, only DO. This is where I struggle. I am the type who likes to have the path figured out before I walk it, so spontaneous happenings are not comfortable for me. I am not an advocate of using no thought process. I mean, don’t take to twitter to call the President of the United States ugly like Amanda Bynes. Do something with positive intent or that will bring about a benefit for you. The suggestion is about taking action to create some sort of change. I know it’s scary to be unsure of what kind of change will happen, but something to adjust to is good. Something to challenge your perspective is good.

Don’t just exist. LIVE!

The Why

You know, I am no celebrity so I do not know if my words are received. I bring this up because I was recently asked why anyone should listen to me. Sobering question.

I am just a girl from Brentwood projects in Florida. I never had much, and never was expected to do much based on my beginning. All the disadvantages were there that you could speak of, and yet I never felt it. I didn’t know any different. Success, in some way, was just surviving. The cherry on top would be to actually do something that impacts the world, which is probably what still drives me even to this day.

If you let society tell you things, you would think that nothing good ever comes out of that. Why then do I have the audacity to believe that I could matter? I am not really sure. I just never blindly accepted others assessments. You say little black girls aren’t pretty? I looked in the mirror and saw pretty, so I thought it was rubbish. You say I don’t learn as well, but then I perform at the highest level in the class. In many instances the you-say crowd was wrong far too much for me to give them much credence.

So then, I was expected to do everything I ever imagined. I expected it of myself. The journey has produced so many tears and so few victories. I just want you to take my life and it’s failures to avoid it all. If I could save you one tear, then I will feel that all of my let-downs were worth it.

Compassion is not something that comes easily. Experiences create it within you. So my answer would be that you should listen only if you want to. Yet, I will continue to speak (and write) because I care enough to do so. Hopefully, the desire I have is apparent and compelling enough to gain your ear.